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Friday, March 31, 2023

Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘I behaved like a fats fighter on a chocolate promise’

  • Pricey diary,

    Okay, so this chilly willy climate is dropping any appeal, if it ever held any, quicker than mom places on weight if she even glances longingly at a Jaffa cake. I imply, like significantly, whereas I do know that I used to be robbed of my means to propagate the Earth with my progeny at puberty, I might truly wish to see my Hovis sausage with out having to ship search and rescue in to search out him. Weeing is turning into an adrenaline hazard sport – neglect dicing with demise, that is hosing with hypothermia…

    It has warmed up barely previously week or so which means that, in contrast to my mom, the college has moments of softening, such that we sadly can sometimes be labored.

    This wasn’t true for me on Saturday when it was deemed okay for the pint-sized ache within the posterior, however only a trifle too onerous for me. Since me, the blonde bimbette and my mate “the large ginger t*sser” (I don’t suppose that’s his precise identify, however that’s all mom calls him) have been turned out within the all-weather subsequent to the college, we acquired a birds eye view of him being hauled in, tacked up and made to do flat work for a minimum of 100 years, with extra transitions than mom has energy in a day.

    After some time, me and TBGT acquired a tad bored so determined that we’d stage some races up and down the all-weather to see if his thoroughbred-type genes may outpace my four-wheel drive, rear engine energy. We have been having a wonderful time till Captain killjoy arrived panting like an asthmatic on a treadmill, having managed to perambulate the entire 20m between the college and the all-weather at a tempo marginally quicker than a sloshed sloth doing a sobriety take a look at.

    Recognising the steely eye and the set jaw as purple flashing warning indicators of an imminent tirade and/or some form of match, I despatched my ft and instant stop and desist order and did a really satisfactory impression of Nelson’s Column. TBGT nevertheless made different selections – in different phrases, he made like a banana and cut up. As strikes go, about as clever as those that suppose Boyz II Males is a daycare centre…

    Evidently he learnt numerous issues that day – not least that mom can swear fluently and with out repetition for some appreciable time, and that having rebuilt me limb by limb at monumental price (financially and morally), she’s not a fan of anybody inciting me to interrupt any remaining insurable limbs by racing up and down all weathers re-enacting the ultimate furlong of the Kentucky Derby.

    Suffice to say, the subsequent day we stood very quietly whereas mini-mother and Barbie Boy did “no stirrups Sunday” with mom doing numerous yelling about mini-mother’s ft trying like a duck.

    I used to be then fetched in together with my “****head mate”, who got here in like a lamb – truthfully, if he’d sucked as much as her any more durable, she would have wanted a towel. I, nevertheless, was frogmarched out to the college and made to work, as apparently if I used to be “match sufficient to run up and down there like Usain Bolt in fur boots” then I may channel a few of that vitality and re-connect with my inside stressage Diva, Boglands Quaver (versus Moorlands Tortilla for these of you who don’t keep in mind).

    This new-found need to make me work has additionally manifested into the brand new boss woman on the yard being tasked to experience me as soon as every week (pictured), the primary session of which occurred this week. This was unhealthy sufficient because it was with out mom sending a really lengthy, very detailed and really questionable notice to stated good woman about what I can and might’t do. Apparently, she additionally put it on my Fb pages, which brought on a lot amusement. I don’t see why. It was a scandalous slur on my status and if I may discover a solicitor ready to work for pony nuts then I might be suing.


    Simply to spite her, I then behaved like a fats fighter on a chocolate promise, thus which means that the brand new boss woman is eyeing mom with the form of expression used when reserved for individuals who are a number of sandwiches in need of a picnic. Clearly making an attempt to attach the mother-generated picture of some half wild equine lunatic with the feathered gentleman she encountered is inflicting her some points – however let’s be trustworthy right here, the place mom is anxious, if brains have been taxed, she would get a rebate…

    In any case, I’m off problem TBGT to a different race because the mothership is away this weekend together with her bestie watching snow polo in St Extra-zits, so she’s not right here to shout at us. I’m going to benefit from the peace and quiet whereas it lasts.



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